Do you get nervous when you are sparked by someone and want to initiate conversation and connection? When someone has a certain something that turns you on and makes you want to get closer to them...physically and emotionally...do you clam up and have anxiety about sparking that connection?
It was awful. I'm recalling a certain bartender at Spuyten Duyvil, a dark and hip bar in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. He had a thing that got me deep in the gut, you know? And I was looking all cute, if I do say so. I had been casually side-eyeing him for a while from my table. And then, on a wave of adrenaline and boldness, I walked straight up to the bar. To this day, I believe if he had been available right at the moment when I arrived at the bar, things would have gone differently. But...when I got to the bar, he was tending to another customer and I had to wait. Here's what happened as my body caught up with what I was trying to do:
Blood rushed to my face.
My palms got sweaty.
My heart beat was going crazy.
I felt disembodied and weirdly numb.
My brain went blank.
Words were like a distant shore and I was drowning.
When he finally came to stand in front of me, I had lost all ability to NOT sound like an idiot. So I just said in as sexy and confident-sounding of a voice as I could muster:
"What's your phone number?"
I wish I could type out the expression on his face. His rejection tried at kindness, but that rejection along with others I have experienced in various ways throughout my life, lives on in my body.
That's the thing! We have all been rejected on occasion by various people and in various circumstances and none of them are forgotten by the body. That is why when we try to make the leap and spark new connections with others, our bodies have the habit of kicking up all sorts of anxiety, pressure and physical/emotional/mental symptoms in an attempt to alert us and protect us from rejection. Although the reaction is well-intentioned, it actually winds up being the cause of a fair amount of awkwardness and "failure to launch" in the dating department. In essence, the body's effort to protect us from rejection contributes to causing the rejection!
So, what's the relief here, Jess?
I'm glad you asked! I have many skills and exercises to share with you to help you get to pro-level meeting and dating. Perhaps the most important one of all, the foundation of easeful and pleasure-filled interactions in dating, sex (and beyond), is Erotic Embodiment. Erotic Embodiment is staying grounded inside yourself, in your body and in your sexual/connective energy in the present moment. Even when your body wants to kick up all sorts of thoughts and feelings in response to some trigger, erotic embodiment is like giving yourself a steady tether back to what feels easy, good and pleasurable in you - the things you'd like to connect and share with others. It's like the anti-venom to super activated states like I had at the bar that night.
How do you learn erotic embodiment? Well, it's something you practice. I work with breathing, interoception and igniting the flame of the erotic in the body to teach the felt sense of erotic embodiment. From there, all sorts of exercises become available. How do you keep that erotic embodiment flowing while initiating connection with others? How do you maintain it in connection? How do you stay grounded in Erotic Embodiment when you are challenged by rejection?
Practicing Erotic Embodiment provides your nervous system the bridge to staying grounded and open throughout the roller coaster of initiating and maintaining contact and connection. Nothing will prevent rejection or awkwardness from ever occurring. That has so many factors, and many of them are not in your control. But Erotic Embodiment will move the needle toward mutual connection. And when things don't go like you had hoped, staying connected with yourself in Erotic Embodiment will result in resilience and the ability to move on unscathed.
As a side bonus, practicing Erotic Embodiment also opens up new areas of sexual pleasure, arousal and ability. More on that later. But for now, just know that there are skills involved in meeting and dating and you can learn them! If you want to work with me to strengthen your dating muscles, schedule a session with me now!
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